Charlotte, NC, Aug 17, 2017, 0616AM: City of Charlotte public safety officials were on high alert after reports of cruel and unusual behavior occurring near Freedom Park today. The so called “Beatdown” occurred in a parking lot nearby and involved seventeen mostly middle aged men who did not appear to be acting their age. They were groveling on the ground, springing to their feet, and otherwise acting oddly, while at the same time sweating profusely. Much profanity was heard, and all of a grumbling and unhappy nature. The leader of the group, himself beyond middle age, seemed slightly incoherent and confused, often unable to count either in sequence to numbers nighter than three. Witnesses remarked that the group “strayed beyond the AO”, and was seen doing decline Merkins using bridge railings as a punishment device (that bridge must now be inspected for structural integrity by city officials.)
Neighbors stated that the group seemed happy at the outset, but then sank into a state of spiritual decline, emotional malaise, and physical “funk”, probably caused by the extreme violence carried out on them. There was speculation that this was a primitive hazing ritual, revived by a rapidly spreading social network known as F3. It was noted that only men were present, thus confirming the chauvinistic, masochistic, sexist, geriatric, old-rock-centric nature of the group. Folks in the neighborhood should be on high alert and avoid any contact with them. They seem most active in pre-dawn, gloomy conditions, often wear gloves, and one of them drives a late seventies vintage Ford pickup.