Diet Coke and Roadblocks

Another day, another interesting Hillary tidbit. I pulled in this morning. And as I often do began casing the interior of the vehicles that had assembled. Horn had an one of those ab crunch machines in the back seat – fresh sweat glistening off of the handles. CMD had several boxes labeled “evidence”  filled with women’s underwear, for a case. Shawshank had a sickle and a sickle sharpener. Oh, and a black hood. Tormund had an almost empty tube of “Hipster beard lube. The beard lube of the stars”  and several issues of Chic Lumberjack magazine; a Hearst Publication. Tommy Lee had a 5-gallon bucket full of broken drum sticks and fake tattoos. Gandalf had several collies roaming around; each marked “evidence”. Lee, well I am sure that Lee and his glowing Orb ran to and from the workout so I got nothing on him. Rube had Marv in his backseat; apparently some kind of Garranger/teacher thing – yes Marv was gagged and bound and no I didn’t let him out. Oswald was sitting in his own back seat gagged and bound – yes I let him out. Missing De had a drum of oil for a delivery after the workout – it’s no joke; he sells oil. Buys it from Canada. And Hillary. Well, Hillary had a map of the tallest steps in Charlotte, a worn book “Steps for Dummies”, a balled up and partially burned program from last weekend’s UNC football game, 4 cases of Diet Coke, and Kanye West taking a nap. 4 cases of diet coke!? I knew it. All this time we thought Hillary was in excellent physical shape with a propensity for gloom encouragement. Now we know it is a severe reaction to saccharine over stimulation. Causing the gaunt features, perma-smile, and occasionally freaking out and ripping his clothes off mid workout. And Kayne, I don’t think that surprises anyone. Who else would be friends with Kanye West besides Hillary. No one. Because only Hillary can love a guy like Kanye.


Eventually things got under way. We started with some windmills and good mornings (some other Core stretching thing I leaned, at Core). Partially because I needed to stretch out and mostly because I knew it would piss off a certain contingency that was not in population this morning. So, just to stretch out then.

Take off towards the park for a route I had planned on my weinke. Damn. Blocked by construction. Well, head towards the castle then. Instructions were given for a full stadium loop. To which Lee replied that the loop was blocked. Not one single person believed Lee. No one. We were all certain he was lying through his perfect white teeth. We went anyway. Turns out the loop was blocked. I am not so sure that Lee was telling the truth as much as I am convinced it was an amazing coincidence. Turn around and head back. And we did something at all of the places where the crosswalks used to be.

Head out front to lavender lane. Or whatever that herb growing out front is. Dips, and jump-ups. Not step-ups. Jump-ups. Hillary doesn’t jump for fear of a shin bust or something. He just won’t do it. I was specific in my instructions and he didn’t follow them. After Kanye wakes up from his nap I WILL be discussing this Hillary insubordination with him. Fo’ sho. He’s the only one who can talk some sense into Hillary.

Head to the side lot for 11s. Burpees and sumo jump squats. As far as I can tell everyone did every single one of the exercises. Something that hasn’t happened at Ranger since 2013 when TD was weird and Hitman was king.

Head to the Lizzy Lurker. Partner up. “Does size matter?” Bite me. Can’t you just pretend that size always matters and quit asking that stupid question.

Wheelbarrow and partner carries. The backwards to the top doing x-fit merkins at every crosswalk (these crosswalks actually exist). Saw a lady carrying a case of Coke heavy. Coincidence Hillary? Hmmmmmmmm?

AYG to the soccer field for sprints, half sprints, 3/4 sprints to half field (minds blown), belly sprints. And 3/4 belly sprints to mid-field.

Back to the old school COT b-ball court for COT. You know why I like that? Well, besides the 2013 retro thing, of course. It’s the amazing fellowship that ensues after the prayer as men walk in the dark back to their cars together. Just a bunch of sweaty dudes talking about their feelings. Quietly, so as not to wake Kanye. Good stuff.


Until next time.

Your friend,



2 thoughts on “Diet Coke and Roadblocks

  • October 11, 2017 at 6:48 pm

    Wish I was there to witness all this parking lot nonsense.

  • October 12, 2017 at 10:17 am


    My only question is who goes around looking in peoples back seats? If a guy wants to read a copy of Chic Lumberjack, why call him out? too funny especially for a Duke guy.

    I know two guys who have had blood clots ( RW and Slaughter) and they both author amazing BB’s.

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