F3 Shit Tank Presented by maybe?

CSource 17:3 (Hardback not available)

While the usually reliable Thursday morning workout at the Met in Metro was unraveling, I started to think about the word “maybe”.  What kind of people use the word “maybe”?  I’ll tell you who.  Soft people.  Minions with zero conviction.  I usually refer to them as p*ssies.

Examples:  Ice9 – “maybe I’ll post at Shark Tank OR at BrokeDread’s new off the books workout at the Cotswold Carriage Barn? “  Hillary – “maybe I’ll have a Mich Ultra OR a White Claw?”.

Final CSource Statement: Don’t ever use the word maybe.  You sound like a p*ssy.


SPEAKING of maybe…not sure if I was happy or pissed to witness what happened today at the Tank.  maybe both??  What I am certain of is 13ish dudes witnessed the most disastrous Q of the year.  None of this is made up.  TML/Curly and TMLee are my witnesses.  They are slightly better dudes then I am.

First 15:

For the first time ever at Tank, maybe made a beeline for a sink hole behind the Dunkin Donuts on Kings Rd.  We straddled over the sink hole and ran up some random grass hill by the donut dumpster.  Back on the street and back to the front of DD.  .00054 miles.  We then immediately were “ordered” to partner up.  My first choice of maybe was taken so I went with the GM of the Horcats Boonie.  The group was then introduced to the Mama Ricotta’s loop of death which consisted of running around Mama Ricotta’s and meeting your partner in the middle for 10 hand slappers.  This loop was approximately .00068 miles.  We did this a whole 1x.  Just these two things already made this the worse EC session of the year.  Only if maybe wasn’t quite done yet.  You see it only took us 6 minutes to do the first 2 things.  So while we all were standing in the parking lot giving maybe praise for the death loop, he introduced us to the “Nothing Bundt Cakes” bear crawl ladder.  Start at the bottom of the parking lot and bear crawl to the top with burpees at the top.  I measured this off and it was 6 yards.  Probably 5.  Everyone was in shock but we started anyways.  And then it gets better.  As Boonie and I were standing around watching people bear crawl 5 yards, some dude rolls up with iPhone in hand and says “Hey – is this F3?”.  For the first time in my life I was speechless.  Do I say Yes and embarrass F3 or do I say No and have the young lad jump in with the Orange Theory crew (who is crushing it by the way – there had to been 500 people in there).   Against my better judgement, I went with Yes and immediately pointed him in TMLee’s direction.   Sorry bro – being the FirstF Q comes with enormous responsibility.  And I’m pretty sure I’m the last person he should be talking to.  Anywho…this shitshow of EC finally wrapped up and off we went to get the rest of the crew.  There was no way the next 45 is going be worse then that.  Right?  maybe….

Next 45:

We fast walked over to the grass by the big ball where maybe called for….wait for it…cold dewy grass flutters.  Immediately half the crew went to the sidewalk.  Most of these guys just got out of their cars and now maybe wants them to lay down in the wet grass in the first real cold morning of the season.  After knocking about 10 flutters out, off we went down the greenway to Morehead.  This is the only worthwhile thing maybe called all morning but still butchered the directions.  AYG up to the new apartments (new since 1997) across from the Dowd Y stopping at each traffic light/street light (maybe?) for 10 TML merkins.  Just under a mile run with 50 or so merkins is satisfactory.  And leaves time to screw off while waiting for the Site Q of Gamucci Moonshine to crawl up Morehead.  Unexpectedly while waiting for said ‘Shiner, I got #mattlaured by Foulball from behind running the Sweet6.  I haven’t decided if I liked it or not.  Then PizzaBoy Slice shows up and wants to run the train on me.  Dude.  This isn’t NY bro.  Things get weirder…

maybe shows up 37 minutes later while we all are waiting in the Camden Grandview apartments driveway and proceeds to continue to embarrass himself.  He starts talking about how he watched this YouTube video about Yoga and wants to try a move with us.  After just joining the #meetoo movement thanks to Ballz, I’m skeptical.  He proceeds to demonstrate a windmill in a downward dog position.   In the middle of this driveway.  With cars pulling in.  Nobody is doing it.  Off we go.

At this point, the natives are ready to pull off a complete coup.  The juicer ‘roid, TMLee, and Cessus convince maybe that we should hit the new shiny Bank of America tower complete with 14 floors of misery.  Only the men who attend PWW have tackled this bitch so far.  We bank a hard left and enter the deck.  Roid and I open the door to the stairs and we start hearing this odd crying noise of “Stop” “Stop”.  WTF maybe??  Come to find out, it’s NOT maybe.  I know surprising.  Johnny Harris has now hired one of the fiercest security guards south of the Mason Dixon that wasn’t thrilled about us “exercising” in Johnny’s deck.  After the rest of the “maybes” took off, I was left to have this entertaining conversation with Rosco P Coltrane:

Rosco:  “YOU can’t exercise in here”

C: “Why?”

Rosco: “If YOU get run over by a car, we are liable”

C: “Ok – we can still exercise here though”

Rosco: “No you can’t”

C: “Yes we can”

Rosco:  “No you can’t”

C:  “Alrighty – we will just over to the other parking deck.  See you on Monday”

Now the wheels have totally fallen off.  People are everywhere.  Almost had maybe convinced we had time to get to the MuthaShip even though King Gamucci would still be there.  maybe ends up with Whole Foods.  Of course.  We all stop at Whole Foods and look around at each other.  We then proceed to do some sort of broken ass ladder up 3 whole flights of stairs.  3.  At the top of Whole Foods it was pretty plush.  Great CityScape views that the DasHitman would appreciate.  We saw OBT hitting a Jule while waiting for the light rail.  So after the ladder to 4, maybe had one last trick up his sleeve…

Pumpkin Squats using the pumpkin’s at Whole Foods.  Not ONE person did this.  It was beautiful.  Total and complete refusenik.  At this point, Tormound, who doesn’t speak and can’t hear, mutters “This is like a 1st Grade PE Class”!  I shit you not.  So proud of him.

At this point everyone just took off back to the parking lot.  In every which direction.  And maybe’s Shit Tank was over.


The End.

8 thoughts on “F3 Shit Tank Presented by maybe?

  • October 24, 2019 at 5:16 pm

    If I hadn’t been there to witness it, I wouldn’t believe this backblast was true.

  • October 24, 2019 at 7:06 pm

    1) This description of/and by Tormund is hysterical. I peed a little.

    2) F3 does outreach. Can we get Maybe some help, maybe? I feel like I need to run a fuckin’ casserole by his house.

  • October 25, 2019 at 8:28 am

    You had me at “guy who always wears a visor in the night”. It just got better from there. Thank you for making my visit to f3metro.com this morning worth the click. not enough BB’s these days.

    And…WTH?? Dredd is bringing back Bell Lap??

  • October 25, 2019 at 8:51 am

    “Maybe” a little more pre-workout planning next time would help. At one point, I think I heard the Yakety Sax song that they always play during the chase scene at the end of the Benny Hill Show.

  • October 25, 2019 at 11:21 am

    Well I see not much has changed during my 3 month absence. I certainly miss all this.

  • October 25, 2019 at 7:29 pm

    -Still can’t understand the yoga stretching. I break more of a sweat using my ThighMaster while jotting notes and listening to 43 Feet.
    -Mr. Fish, sorry to hear about your trickle, but not the first time excitement at my name has caused that. One word for you – Kegel. In the meantime, spritz some Shout on those little 2” in-seam shorts you’ve started rocking and clip them to your ceiling fan…they’ll dry in 43 seconds or less.

  • October 28, 2019 at 10:21 pm

    I think this obviates the need for a backblast. Thanks, Cindy. No one mentioned we covered nearly 5 miles. Probably shouldn’t wing a SharkTank Q though. I get it. I hope your ego got a nice boost from all this – seems it may have. Glad to provide that at least.

  • December 5, 2019 at 8:58 am

    crying – my protege carries the shovel flag forward

    havent checked the site in months and I get this right out of the box – classic

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