A Baby… at Ranger… A BABY?!?!?

The BackBlast:

Coming in so hot. Everything took just a little bit longer this morning, and then I got stuck behind SwampFox on Providence Road. I get out of the car all flustered but determined to get it together. Off we go, only to get about 10 steps before I realized my wallet was in my pocket. Head back to the car to stash that and now we are really ready to roll.
Of course our friendly neighborhood batflipperz couldn’t wait, so now they are out front and I am mid-to-back of the pack. Who do we got? Quick scan…Lee, of course. The aforementioned batflipperz. CheckPoint, check. Bobbi back from Italy. My man Gitmo, the cyclist, who I almost ran over on Johnston Rd over the holiday break. Okay, all is right in 2022. Then I looked to my left… and there it is.

A fine looking young man pushing a… STROLLER… I do a double take. Holy shit! There’s a real live baby in that stroller!

Me: Hi, I’m Daniel
Him (the man, not the baby): Hi, I’m Loronda
Me: You brought a Baby to Ranger?
Loronda: Sure did
Me: Huh, a Baby… to Ranger… what’s his name?
Loronda: Colton aka Liddell

I need to think quick. Immediately caught up with Lee to ask what are the ground rules in this situation? I mean, the whole point of Ranger is that there are NO RULEZ. FNG can’t keep up, F*ck you, pay me! Coming back from injury and can’t keep up, F*ck you, pay me! Upset tummy making you get dropped, F*ck you, pay me! Got hit in the eye by the flames shooting out of Uncle Tony’s sword, F*ck you, pay me (if ever a workout needed the 5 and 2 project there for documentary purposes… but I digress)! You get the point, with babies’ come rules, and this is the land of lawlessness…

Me: Lee, am I required to take into account that this guy brought a BABY TO RANGER?!?
Lee: You are not
Me: Good, because I wasn’t planning on it.

So we proceeded down Park Drive towards Charlottetowne, me back in the lead with my chest all puffed out, all the PAX in tow, including Baby Colton.

But then it hit me… I don’t know if it was my fatherly instinct, or the respect I had for my man Loronda showing up to RANGER… with a BABY!!! But I thought, why can’t I accommodate the usual scoundrels that attend this shitshow, and a BABY? Being the HIM that I am, surely I can please all parties now involved.

What Was Accomplished

First deviation: Safety First. Rather than bolting across Charlottetowne without looking in either direction, or better yet, looking in both directions to make sure that me, and possibly only me, can make it across before that bus bearing down on us takes out the back half of the crew, I took a sharp right to head to the tunnel to Legion Stadium. Babies like tunnels, and Mom’s like their Babies not being hit by buses.

Partner up: Opposite ways around the stadium, meeting for 10 hand slap merkins at the other side. I specifically partnered with Loronda and Baby for two reasons:
1. I like this guy. He brought a BABY TO RANGER for chrissakes!
2. I needed to get away from Loronda and Baby so that I could say to Gitmo in an outside voice, “GUY, YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY BROUGHT A F*CKIN BABY TO RANGER!

No problems for Loronda and Baby keeping up with the PAX on the two loops around. Loronda was even sure to initiate the parking break each time we stopped for merkins.
So then I thought, you know what, Loronda and Baby should be properly introduced to Metro and Ranger, and how can that happen without a jaunt to the MUTHA.

Second deviation: Asking for permission. As mentioned, Loronda seemed to be handling himself well up to that point, but the last thing I wanted was to get this dude halfway to uptown and his Baby goes into full meltdown mode.

Me: Loronda, is Baby up for some off campus work?
Loronda: You’re goddamn right he is!

Boom! Off to the MUTHA. I hung back with Loronda because I had to know more, and I needed to ensure that Baby made it through each intersection safe and sound #superHIM.
Apparently Loronda used to post in CLT 4 years ago but made the mistake of relocating to the Carpex area (wherever that is) and has now made his triumphant return to our fare city. A good decision. Loronda’s real name is Andrew Bracken (or something like that). He is 29 years old and doesn’t like Ultimate Frisbee. Baby Colton is his first child, and as already alluded to, is a MASCULINE child. Congrats on that homey. Keep me updated on what that’s like.

Up to the top of the MUTHA. Cherries popped for both Loronda and Baby. I took the reins for the second half of the dizzyback. Been a long time since I pushed one of those joggers. Like riding a bike. Also, DAMN, that is a serious strain. GrowRuck 24 Part Deux, I have an idea…

From the top of the MUTHA, partner one down the stairs and back up, while partner two does exercises (code for talk about how this guy BROUGHT A BABY TO RANGER). Loronda had no problem leaving BABY with a few of the fellas while he hit the stairs. I guess the RANGER BOYZ just give off those types of warm fuzzies that make you feel comfortable leaving your BABY with complete strangers at the top of a twelve story parking deck #donttellmom.

Gitmo with the line of the morning, “Don’t worry, we took good care of him. Got him vaccinated and everything. Hope you’re into that type of thing”.

Time to head home. One stop in front of the Castle for dips, INCLINE merkins, and a sprig of rosemary for tonight’s chicken.
At COT, Loronda told us that Baby Colton’s F3 name is Liddell, the association being with Eric Liddell from Chariots of Fire, and his chariot being the stroller. Well, CEESUS put an end to that real quick. Time for a Metro renaming session. Baby will heretofore be known as Carlos because, well, Metro…

I did the math. Picture it, South Carolina 1978, spring of senior year. CheckPoint has one too many Bartles and James with his #1 girl and we have ourselves a mini CP in the winter of 1979. Mini CP overindulges on Zima in the red hot summer of 1996 and gets his girl preggers after an OffSpring concert at Hardee’s Walnut Creek. Super Mini CP follows his family’s fate and knocks up his girl after celebrating too hard on election night 2016. No alcohol even needed. They were vaping though. Boom, we’ve got ourselves a Super Duper Mini CP roaming the world in 2022. Like I said, you could be that kid’s Great Grandaddy!

Happy New Year my friends. May all your mornings be as eventful as ours was today.

Thin Slice