CIAAtank: Cougars, Blunts, and 7Miles

The BackBlast:

Ok Ok Ok Ok – I’ll admit it.  I can no longer watch this WORKOUT group go down the Cotswold shitter.  And I’m talking about Metro because nobody gives a horses ass about anything happening in Portland or Seattle or Fort Mill or…you get the point.  Dread and some guy by the name of OBT ripped this great idea of working out in the morning outside off Campos 10 years ago.  It was great.  Good dudes.  Good workouts.  Mostly good BackBlasts via email or MySpace.com.  That is what brought people out.  Especially new dudes.  Loved the workouts and loved reading about all the funny shit that happened during the workout.  And seeing their name.  Good ol days.  Miss you Ben Franklin.

Now there is so much bullshit going on that A. Nobody writes BB and B. 99% of the workouts suck.  To be clear, walking around with a backpack on is not working out.  Neither is carrying around a log with 3 other dudes INSIDE a garage that TigerKingSnoop colored in his camper (Love ya Snoop!).    And enough of the DreadSource please.  Or can you just start another group and call it BBD?  BrainwashedByDread.  You gentlemen can think on your own and have your own ideas.  It’s a liberating feeling.

Ok I’m about finished with this bottle of tequila and starting to fall off my soapbox.  This is my 2021 warning shot.  Swindy is coming for you.  To get things going, I’m going to show all the new dudes who I’ve been mentoring over at PWW and RAnGEr (I see you Crabs) how things use to be.  Here is a real BB (Not some bizzaro Rev ramble (at least he tries)) from the last workout in late February before some people pretended to close the workouts down for COVID.  Tank BB from 02/20:

Yes – Cougz knows how to text!

And I’ll be dammed if THE Cougar (Redwood) actually showed up with his FNG in tow.  Have to give him credit.  At least he brought someone out to help F3 out with our demographics.  A white middle-aged banker.  #progress

This workout was pure chaos.  Even by my standards.  By my count, we had 5 different workouts going on at the same time at one point.  Try to follow along here…

First 15 (Total of 5)

This was a fairly straight forward EC outside WHATdidn’t?! stopping at Arts for a side of onion rings.  Just your typical 2 mile super loop up Kenilworth, over on McDowell, and down Morehead.  No causalities to report.  YET.

Next 45 (Total of 15)

You can imagine my surprise when I saw the Spanish American War hero Cougar actually stumbling out of the parking lot when we went back to pick up the rest of the crew.  My immediate thought was that I needed to drop him ASAP in order not to give him any false hopes that he was going to keep up the entire time.   So immediately hauled ass over to Kenilworth and over to the secret makeout path through Pearl Street Park.  ‘Bisco told me he got to 2nd base with a PAX’s girlfriend over there.  Stopped at the top of Baxter St to asses the damage.  Banged out 20 merkins and noticed Cougz and what I thought his FNG just coming out onto Baxter St.  Shit – not dropped yet.  Still officially 15 so off we go.  Left on McDowell and up Morehead St to EZ Ringz old Pirate Ship of a work space.  We attempted to do Maybe’s?? Yoga poses but nobody wanted to be seen in public doing that shit.  And let’s face it, nobody wants to be seen in public with Maybe? in general.  At this point, Cougz and his “buddy” were officially dropped.

Down to 13

Kept on heading down Morehead towards the Panther’s stadium and I just happened to glance back and saw Cougz and his buddy hanging a right on S. Tryon St.  Who the hell knows where they were going?!?  Kept on going down Morehead and right on S. Church St into the backdoor of the Legacy Parking Deck.  Up the 14 floors to the top.  At the top we did 40 DaBoonie LBC’s.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw what I thought was Roscoe/Breezy the Security Guard coming at us so I jumped up and headed back down where we came from.  Exit on the 3^rd level and out of the Legacy Parking deck and over to the Marriott Charlotte City Center.  Only reason I stopped there is because Steroid told me SlickRick was “rapping” up his show from the previous night.  Glad I stopped because  now we only had 5 people left.  Cumdy, Roid, Slice, DaBoonie, and Swiper.  WTF?  Dropped EZ and Swamp??  More on how this happened later.  That damm DaBoonie…

Down to 5

Feeling pretty good about myself after dropping a total of 10 people so far, I was thirsty for more.  Off we went down College St. looking for more carnage.  As we were running, we looked to the left and one block down on Church St. we happened to see Stinger and ‘Biscoe hauling ass.  They knew where we going.  So this is where the morning get’s unbelievable.  Hauled ass up to the top of the Muthaship and guess who is at the top???  Old Civil War General Cougz and Caesar (I had no idea he was even at the workout) were up at the top doing some kind of lunge with one leg hanging over the side of the Muthaship.  I was in disbelief.  But was even better was that I asked Cougz where his FNG was and he said he had no idea.   That is beyond awesome.  As the 5 of us who were left got to the top of the ‘Ship, we of course started making fun of C&C.   A couple minutes later, here comes the rest of the crew…’Biscoe, Stinger, Puke9, FakeNews, and WHATdidn’t.  So now we are back up to 12.  Then I realized something…The FNG was either roaming around uptown looking for us or somehow ended up with Swamp and EZ.  This is too good to be true.

Back up to 12

Let’s see how fast I can drop Cougz and Caesar this time.  Back down the spiral and back up the stairs and back down the spiral.  When we hit about the 4^th floor of the spiral, an intense aroma smacked us in our face.  Come to find out, Snoop Dog, Cheech and Chong, and Bob Marley had all parked their cars on the 4^th floor of the ship and were pregaming for the semi-finals of the CIAA.  Stinger asked if we go back up a level and come back down to take it all in again.   So I did.  You know me…HIM doing HIM things.  Now stoned out of our mind, out of the ‘Ship and over to MJ’s office to scoop up some #dingdongs and over to Caldwell and 3^rd St for an assessment.  Awesome – Back down to 9.  C&C Music Factory and Waxhaw9 must of stayed back with Snoop for a little Gin&Juice.

Down to 9

Back down 3^rd street to the Greenway, right on the Greenway, over to Target.  Up the stairs to the top.  Down the stairs and home.  7.02 mile bootcamp and people EVERYWHERE.  Perfection

COT

As one can imagine, this was a shit show.  The first 9 had a quick COT.  Then came in Rednecktruck9 but no Cougz and Caesar.  Back up to 10.  Then came C&C.  Back up to 12.  Still no FNG, Swamp, and Ringz.  I was convinced at this point Roscoe at Legacy Deck had put Swamp and Ringz in jail and the FNG Uber’d over to Cougz house to burn it down.  But I’ll be shittin’…here comes Swamp, Ringz, AND the FNG.  Holy CIAA miracle!  How in the hell did that happen??  In comes that sly dawg DaBoonie…as the first 5 were coming down the stairwell and exiting on floor 3, the first dude in front of DaBoonie had opened the door and just as it was about to close, DaBoonie slid through.  You see, DaBoonie from Vance doesn’t hold doors.  Other people hold doors for DaBoonie.  So the people who were behind DaBoonie never knew we got off on 3 and went all the way to 1.  By that time, we were LONG gone.  Case Closed.  I would like to nominate Swamp and Ringz for the 2020 HIMJobs of the year.  Well done men.

One last thing, after thoughtful consideration and approval by the new Na’TAN of F3Metro ThinSlice (At the time, didn’t know #55 was the new Sump), there was really only one name this dude was going to get.  SLACK.